Earlier this week my Facebook feed was filled with social media mavens posts relating to a popular blogger who killed herself.
There were many who wished they had paid closer attention.
Others wished this blogger had reached out to them for help.
All of them mourned for a life gone too early.
As a long time soldier in the depression wars, I can say if someone wants to die they will find a way.
People who are serious about suicide are not usually the ones who talk about it.
They are scarily silent about the despair, hopelessness, and their overwhelming pain.
Even while they may discuss their depression they do not discuss their desire to end their suffering.
They fear the stigma that is attached to any mental illness in this country.
This is why suicide is so hard to prevent.
It's not as easy as being there for a depressed friend.
It's not as easy as posting the National Suicide Hotline number.
I know how it feels to be in such pain all you want is the absence of that pain. Even if life is the source of the pain.
After my youngest son died I experienced pain so deep, so dark, so smothering that I wished I had died when Brennan did.
I could not see even a pinpoint of light in my darkness.
However, I had two other children.
Weighed down by my grief and anger, I could not fully abandon those boys.
Emotionally, there were times I abandoned them because it was better than lashing out at them for being alive when their brother was not.
Part of me still feels guilty about that. That time when it was almost impossible to see beyond my pain. Even when I knew my husband and my boys were hurting as well.
I do not see suicide as selfish. I see it as a desperate way to be pain free.
I asked for help with my darkness and despair.
I still battle depression and anxiety daily.
I can choose to ignore it mostly (with the help of better living through chemistry school).
Or I can sink into lethargy for a few days.
Even on days when I cannot imagine who'd care if I was gone, I struggle to hang on. I ask for help.
If I did want to commit suicide I would do it quietly and efficiently. I would not discuss my plans. I would just act.
That is why this country is losing the battle against suicide.
We are losing talented, creative, loving, wonderful people every day.
I wish I knew a way to heal these folks. I wish I knew a way.
