Not Safe Anywhere

An 18 year boy, class of 2010, from the same high school my kids attended, was shot to death last night.  Around 2 a.m.  Less than a mile from here.  He turned to flee, outside of a supervised, no alcohol, no drugs
party, and was shot from behind.

He died there.

A good kid.  An athlete, a scholar, a nice boy.

Shot to death after a verbal altercation that lasted only a few moments.

While I am mourning my son's growing up, someone else's son was killed much too close to home.  For no reason.

My son may end up in war but he'll be trained to the nth degree.  He'll have his brothers-in-arms surrounding him.  If he dies, he'll be dying for a reason, a purpose.  He'll have died to keep us free, to keep others from dying, honoring his country and all who live in America.

The boy who died less than 12 hours ago has a mother who must be in complete shock and denial right NOW!  Oh my heavenly Father, hold that mother in your arms, rock her and comfort her in the coming minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years to come.

My heart, which is oddly shaped because it's been mended many times over, bleeds for her.  It bleeds for her son, his friends, our community.

Rest in Peace D, Rest in Peace.

May I repeat myself~~Soar McArmy, Soar!!!

Sleepless

So many thoughts in my head.

I made the mistake of watching the documentary Brothers At War.

One brother tries to understand what two of his brothers are going though. Isaac graduated West Point and is a Ranger Captain. Joseph enlisted at 18 and is now a Ranger who's just made Sergeant.

Jacob aka Hollywood is the camera man.

It's a good movie.

It's also a wee bit close to home.  I've been doing pretty well about not freaking out about McArmy.  This movie pushed my freak out button.

Being a soldier is hard.

Another reason I'm having trouble shutting my brain off is while McHub and I communicated, I still foresee a very long road ahead.  In his thinking, his actions were justified by the way I dealt with Brennan's death.  It's a cop out.  It's a refusal to take responsibility for his actions.

I could be wrong, but I feel he blames his actions on me.  It's called projection.  Ask Freud.

I'm conflicted.  I have not been the perfect wife but I refuse to take the blame for his decisions, his betrayals, his dishonesty.

He isn't the enemy but neither is he the friend.

I don't know what to think.  How much hope to have.  How long do I keep trying?

I feel pretty darn alone right now.

The Ripple Effect

That guy in the shadows is McHub.

Something amazing happened the other night.

We communicated, face-to-face, calmly and completely honestly.

Wow.

It's a start. A good start.

Our issues go back many years. I can pinpoint the beginning of us both shutting down: When Brennan died. The ramifications of that loss on both of us almost destroyed us. On every level.

But not back in 1996. Nope.

It's called the ripple effect.

Losing a child impacts everyone within that family and their circle of friends.

It's kind of funny, just when you think you've dealt with all there is to deal with, up pops more ripples you never saw coming.

Losing a child damages you.

Losing a child changes you forever. It turns your beliefs about yourself, your faith, your future completely upside down.

I know my boys were affected by the overwhelming grief that threatened to swamp me. The resulting depression.

McHub was affected by my withdrawal from, well, from most everything.

I'm not saying I'm to blame for every issue we have.

I'm saying there are no enemies here.

Just human beings attempting to cope.

I still believe in hope.

I still believe in change.

I still believe in trying to "fix" the issues and moving forward.

This is my epistle for today.

To Be Perfectly Clear...

I have always been proud of this boy.

I will always be proud of him.

He had a good heart, a smart brain, a value system that's amazing.

McArmy is good looking.

He has honor and a true love of his country.

So while I cannot comprehend his desire to enlist, I can be awed by his commitment.

This man is a team player.

He respects others.

He drives too fast.  OK he's not perfect.

He will be an incredible soldier.

Yes, I'm worried.  Yes, I know he'll come home a changed, grown up man.

He holds my heart in his hands forever.

(I write man but think boy.  He'll always and forever be my little boy.)

McArmy

There's a ton of stuff going on in my life right now.

Just like every one of you. We all have stuff.

The biggest issue right now is my baby boy, nineteen years old, who's leaving Monday night for the hotel, swears into the U.S. Army Tuesday, goes back to hotel, flies commercial to Georgia Wednesday morning.

Yes I know kids grow up.

I know he's a fabulous kid.

I know he's going to shine through at basic.

He's thrilled one of the big wigs may get him option 40, Ranger school.

I have no doubt he'll excel wherever he's placed.

I'm going to miss him something awful. I keep bursting into tears at the oddest moments.

Stoopid. Yet, I'm his mommy so this all scares and worries me.

I'm a weenie, this I'm sure of.

He'll be back for a week at Christmas.

Then I don't think he'll ever come home to here again.

He'll have left the nest.

Soar McArmy boy, SOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's Talk

Being humiliated in front of twenty patients is NOT the best way to learn. Nor is it professional of the DNS to yell across the hallway and say something is totally inappropriate.

How difficult is it to take me aside and let me know?

I am doing things the way I was taught. So imagine my annoyance and the humiliation I felt as I was scolded in front of many patients from across a hallway. It took all my self-control not to get up, grab my keys, and drive my car home.

Even more wonderful was the new policy(A-hem) of practicing HIPPA by closing the med room doors when a patients was receiving any type of treatment. Why wasn't this the original policy? Got me. I'm all for privacy. I do not appreciate having to be the one to explain to each and every patient why I need to close the door. They were not happy at all.

That was the low light of my 3 days at work.

The high light? Helping a lovely 88 year old female to bed. Taking the time to make sure she was safe and comfortable. Taking the time to receive the hug she gave me.  Almost worth the hell that was Monday.

Drenched

The last three days have bee,n oh how can I put this............CWAZZZEEEEEEE!

Librarian. Sounds like a nice, stress free career.

There has been exhaustion, humiliation(public no less), tiny flickers of humor, a genuinely sweet experience with a wonderfully kind resident, 3 miles walks in pouring rain, pill seekers, psychotic somatform disorderlies, verbal abuse(directed at me), and all the usual debris that comes with LTC.

I survived. Thrived, here and there.

All I can really say: Thank you Lord that I have two entire days off!!!!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Grey Areas

When I was younger life was black and white. I had a set of morals and ethics and they were pretty much set in stone.

I'm decades older now. I still have a fairly strict code of ethics and morals. People in my family have much looser interpretations. As I've stated before I am Christian. I stick to a code of behavior that was set down by Jesus. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I'm not perfect. I'm not the best wife, mother, or even the best example.

However, certain things are sacred to me.

Fidelity, my concept of it, is sacred.

This has been breached.

I've talked to my spiritual adviser. I've set up some parameters. The parameters Paul set forth in Galatians chapter 5. Paul and other writers of the New Testament have set many guidelines for marriage. I believe these guidelines are the way marriage should work.

I have no idea what will happen in this relationship of over twenty four years.

I do know I will be fine. No matter what, I will be fine.

I'm picking up an extra work day tomorrow so I'll likely not be around until Tuesday night or later.

Thanks for all the prayers and support.

God WILL see me through.

A Song for My Friday

Alrighty

Peeved is such a nice word for what I feel right now.

I have A LOT going on at the moment.

My 19 year old is leaving for basic in 12 days.  'Family support agency' emailed me all about C.  Ok~~ 'Family support agency'~ my son's name IS NOT C.  It's R.  Get it right please.  I'm not thrilled to have a son going into the military during war but I support and love my child.  If anything happens to him, I sure hope you know his name.

I am trying to pay off all debt.  Yes it's slow.  Yes it's a little at a time.  A collection agency just called and threatened me. WTF?  I made a payment of $$ 2 weeks ago.  I was told that amount would keep me out of collections.  I really dislike being lied to.  Seriously.

I have other issues going on here at home.

I need to say this:  GET OFF MY BACK YOU BASTARDS!!!!


Negative critical comments will not be published any longer.  I don't need it or you.  Fake concern cloaked in criticism is really unkind.  Go be mean to some one else.

I love my readers.  I do not mind comments or questions that provoke discussion.

If you want to flame me~write it on your own blog.

I'm going for a very long walk now.

I sincerely pray all the mean people on earth find elsewhere to hang out.

Taking Charge

Enough is frankly, enough.

I'm taking over.  I've made several phone calls regarding past due bills setting up payment arrangements.  The person who was supposed to be on top this is not.  Fine.  I'm doing it now.  I'm making more money and I'm tired of calls from bill collectors.

I will get us as far out of the hole as possible MY way.

I am not relying on anyone else to sweat the details.

I'm tired of being let down.  Tired of things left undone.  Tired of watching a certain someone hide his head in the sand.

I have decided to be the adult.

That's how I roll these days.

Empowerment.

It's the only way to go.

I can only trust myself and God.

This isn't a whine or complaining.  I'm just stating the plain hard cold facts.

Janice is now in charge.

I Be Rockin' the Walking

I have walked 3 miles every day since last Thursday.

BOOYAH!

Even my new jeans are getting loose.


I begin to understand the allure of exercise like running marathons. Well that's a lie, but I have an inkling.

Physically I am feeling good.

Yesterday I had tasks to complete so I spent one hour of my two hour break finishing paperwork etc. I only had time to walk 3 times around the lake instead of four. I was disappointed.

Yeah, me of all people.

It's been wonderful October weather.  Cool and crisp in the mornings and warm in the afternoons.  Sunshine galore.  Awesome.  Reminds me of October weather in Michigan.  I'm delighted hot muggy season is over!!!!!!!

I cannot believe how many years I sat on my ass.

Never again.

Vengeance

"Vengeance is mine!" sayeth the Lord.

That sucks. Cuz I'd love me some vengeance right now. Some unwise yet satisfying payback.

I can always fantasize.

To act out in anger and pain is never a good idea.

Yet, it's quite fun to think about.

I will bide my time and be sensible.

One should always remember that every action has an equal reaction. Or immoral actions have nasty consequences.

Payback's a bitch.

Question for My Readers

Have any of you ever thought of joining the Peace Corps?

I'm considering it.

What are your thoughts?

Haven't Got Time

Gone

There it goes.

The last tiny bit of my innocence and trust.

Never to be seen again.

Another Day.......Another Dollar

One of my soul sucking resident-patients told the RN, who works the days I'm off, that I said:

"I'm only here for the money."

About an hour later, after my fits of laughter abated, I began to get annoyed.  The RN actually believed I had said such a stupid thing.

That's the kind of manipulative, junior high behavior I get to deal with.

Happy Friday All!!!

Complete Frustration

Half my life.

I have spent half of my life married to the same man.

Twenty four of my 48 years.

Right now he's driving me more crazy than usual.

He freaking e-mailed me about an issue.

The usual issue. The money issue.

I make twice as much as he does.

I'm working my ass off. In a job I'm not particularly having fun doing.

That's cool.

I went to school to become a nurse and I have a job.

He worked while I raised kids for most of our marriage plus the college years(mine).

I have never nagged him when he's spent 5 periods of time unemployed.  I supported him emotionally to the fullest extent I could.  I did not walk out.  I did not push him.  I did not fling recriminations around like I wanted to do several hundred times.

To send me an e-mail about my spending is too freakin' much.

It's not as if I'm flinging money all over the place.

I'm buying fruit and vegetables.

I'm buying health shakes for my breakfast at $2.99 a meal.

I had to buy a pair of jeans because I have shrunk out of every single pair of pants I own.

I spent money on ibuprofen, naprosyn, diphenhydramine, shampoo, toilet paper, and I bought the dog some food.

I am NOT buying books. I am NOT buying anything for enjoyment.

I am making an effort to pay off debt.

I have paid stupid things like the power bill.

I do not spend $8 a day at 7-11 for crap lunches.

I am exercising for free. I walk up and down hills on my 2 hour break every day I work. I walk the dog on days I don't work. I use my light weights to make my arms/pecs/back stronger.  I stretch on the family room floor.

I am wearing scrubs that I've had for two years except for the two scrub tops I spent $50 whole dollars on when I received my first paycheck. My scrub bottoms are falling off because they are now too large. I don't whine about it. I just wear them.

To sum up my feelings:  DUDE!  You can just bite me!!!

My Son Sent This

My sweet little boy, the one who leaves for basic in 3 weeks, sent me this song.

Listen closely to the lyrics.......



Yeah, he thinks he's funny.

Does This Diagnosis Exist?

I was wondering if the dx of psychotic hypochondrosis exists?

Anyone?

Beuller?

Because I believe it needs to be added to the DSM immediately.

'Nuff Said.

One day down~One to go

On my way to day 2 in my work week!! YAWN!  Five a.m. comes much too quickly!!!

Back To Work

Mondays always come around too fast.

It's a day to wake up at 5 a.m..

It's a day to slog through the trenches, I mean nursing.

Sigh.

ETC is hard.

I imagine most nursing jobs are hard.

Time to suck it up~~~hear that slurping sound?

That's me sucking it up.

Have a good Monday!

Maybe I'm Selfish...

I just turned down extra work.

I know~why?

It's Thursday and it was from 7 a.m.-5 p.m. and 20 stinking trafficky freeway miles from here.  21 bucks an hour just did not seem worth the exhaustion or the traffic when I have to be at my regular job at 6:30 a.m. Friday.

I'm also doing a bible study Thursday mornings.

The week after next I just found I'm attending a dementia class at my job, unpaid.  Yeah.  Both my days off~Wednesday and Thursday, and I have to go all the freaking 23 miles back and forth for a class about a subject I think I have handled.  Plus NO pay.  ARGH.

I spend my days off decompressing.  Getting my brain back.  Being centered emotionally.

I enjoy my time off and I use that time to deal with the things my spouse is NOT dealing with.

Do I resent an unwanted intrusion on my very small time off?

Hell yes!

Paramedics

I have the wonderful privilege of calling 911 twice today.

I work at an ALF and we have no tools to quantify certain situations.

A gentleman was c/o of severe chest pains this morning.  He was diaphoretic (sweaty as all get out) and I don't know exactly why but my spidey sense began tingling.  I called 911.  The paramedics were actually nice to me.  They did a quick EKG on him, looked concerned, and took him to local ER.  This was at 9:00 a.m.  He had not come back by the time I left at 8:00 p.m..  Good call new neurotic nurse!

Second call to 911.  I had a 61 year old female who was cold and clammy.  I could not find a B/P reading. I tried our two different machines.  I tried manual.  All this time she was diaphoretic and cold.  The paramedics came in and looked at me like I was a pest.  Screw 'em.  My spidey senses were tingling again. Guess what?  The paramedics could NOT get a palpable B/P either.  So it was not just my inexperience.  They took her to the local ER.  One guy took me aside and said, "Good call. You made the right decision."  Yeah, maybe I do have some nurse instincts.

Both of the folks are at high risk for possible MIs and/or strokes.  Neither were diabetics.  So a BSG check did not occur to me.  Eh, I wish it would have.  Just to show the know-it-all paramedics I'm not a total moron.

I have no way to run EKG's or test for cardiac enzymes.  Protocol is to call 911.

I'm glad I did.  I'd hate to not call and then have a resident code.

That was my day in paradise.

I may have what it takes.  Just maybe.

Neurotic Nurse Statements

I think most nurses must feel the way I do at some point.

I feel as if this job could suck out my very soul if I let it.

I don't plan on letting that happen.

Drug seeking patients should be quarantined.  Yup, I'm becoming that cynical.

Doctors will prescribe most anything to shut certain patients up.

Pharmaceutical companies should be forced to use their products on a daily basis.  Insulin pens?  A pain in the arse I tell ya.

Maybe the inventors should change needles 3-4 times a day on forty different pens.  Let them fumble with the packaging and the leftover debris.

Messes with my attempt to be organized working space.

Patients with anxiety disorders, psychiatric conditions, and other psychoses.

I want to be compassionate but I do not want to get sucked down that black hole.............

Any suggestions?

Still Mulling...

I'm still mulling this new job over in my head.

I'm getting better.  Faster.  More familiar.

I began laughing out loud (musta looked like a loon) in the middle of the day yesterday.  Why was I laughing?  Because I was told I wouldn't need my psych training at this job.......bwahahahaha!  I need MORE psych training.  Much much more.

I begin to see the allure of working in a hospital.  One only has patients for several days as opposed to several years.  That's looking more and more appealing.

I must go onto RN training.  An epiphany.  NOT.  I just realized that I must go onto RN soon.  Very soon.

The job pays well and I do have employment.  It's all good now.  I need the experience.

I am adapting.  Slowly but surely.

I now walk hills during my 2 hour break each day I work.  The job is too far from home to go hang out those two hours so I walk and walk hard to de-stress.

All for now.  Go forth and enjoy your day!!!

glitter-graphics.com

Oh yeah. Shemar Moore form Criminal Minds.

A girl's got to have some fun....

Silly Sunday Observations

glitter-graphics.com

Just when I get used to peeing whenever I feel the urge, I have to go back to work.

As my muscle aches fade and I truly relax, it's time to go back to work.

I adapt to people who don't think the world is all about them and do not think every twinge is a need for opiates, it's time to go back to work.

As my dreams stop being all about insulin, BSGs, my initials in every tiny square, it's time to go back to work.

I enjoy the freedom of my non-hoarders house, it's time to go back to work.

I find myself not avoiding certain people, it's time to go back to work.

Not driving the freeway 23 mies each day allows a wonderful certainty of ease, it's time to go back to work.

In other words, two days off is not as long as it appears in the rear view mirror.

I Can't Win For Losing

Communication.

It's a skill sorely lacking in all of us in this family.

I come home from a 14 hour day and any comment I make will tick someone off. Usually my spouse. Or OH MY GOODNESS that I should try and speak during one of his tv shows. WTF? What's up with that? Freaking TV is more important than his wife.

Dork is so good at denial and escape, he's barely managing the day to day things. So he zones into the TV. Thanks there Spanky! I love dealing with tons of crap all alone and without a net.

I'm not including work in this rant. This is all about home.

This is about my spouse aka the STUFFER. All emotions, problems, issues get stuffed down.

This is about my oldest son who spends all the money he makes and some he doesn't. Good thing he has no credit cards. This is about the son who'd rather drink than tell us he's screwed up or perhaps her doesn't realize what a mess he's in.  Hard to tell.

I fear he's bipolar as I feared when he was 17. Prayers appreciated on this subject.

This is about the sweet loving dog who doesn't get walked. Procrastination and lack of motivation rules the males in this house. I can't walk the dog because he's too strong and I don't need another tweaked nerve.

This is about younger son who's leaving in 4 weeks exactly.  I, seriously this time, cannot wait to see how he feels about basic when he comes home for Christmas...heehee with unholy glee in my laugh.  Welcome to the real world son!

Talk about dysfunctional. That's my little conundrum this week.

Thanks for reading.

Dear So and So

Dear Moron,
Please do not creep up my ass while driving home. It's been one long freaking day and if you rear end me I'll TAKE YOU DOWN! Got it?
Love,
The woman in the silver civic


Dear 'Oh-I'm-really-concerned-and-sweet' lady,
Give me a break. You are a meddling manipulative witch. Get a life and stop harassing others!
Signed Anonymous

Dear I-really-need-a-life,
Don't try and con me out of extra pain meds. Ain't gonna happen! I know you just want attention and have nothing better to do. But seriously, find some interests outside your teeny tiny little world.
Signed,
A Nurse

Dear Adult Child,
Dude~I don't know what's up with you but I'm concerned about the lack of energy, the irritable outbursts, and the serious drinking. Ask for help.
Signed,
Your loving Mother.

That's all folks.