Laughing at Myself

Okay who knew "teenage angst" never ends?

I wish I'd been warned or something, ya know?

I had another interview today. Yes, number 3 this week. It's a 45 minute drive w/o traffic. Everyone seems nice. It's a job so I went to the interview. I should hear next week and perhaps from the interview on Monday.

After my hour long walk in the rain last night at 11pm I've calmed down and realized I have been reenacting my teen queen drama self lately. I should rely on outside sources for my self esteem but I cannot seem to help myself.

Ya'll know my mother's in heaven somewhere snorting with laughter at my angst and drama skills. Even though I have not outwardly been acting dramatic in my brain I'm vying for an Oscar.

In 48 years I've yet to land in a ditch homeless with my nose in the mud. I doubt I will this time. Thank Lord for my sense of humor that rises from the ashes time and time again.

It could be so much worse. I'm pretty darn healthy. I'm not in chronic pain. I have not under gone sinus surgery lately. Which is awesome because it sounds horrid.
I hear my huge Pupples loping up the stairs. He looks like a small horse these days. Where did that bundle of 5lbs of fur go to? Toddlers could ride this behemoth. He just came over and licked my knees as he whined because he's like his master tot take him to bed.

Have a nice night all. Remember the world never ends when we expect it to.

Yet I know.....................

Life will go on.(smirk)

REPOST From Crazed Brain Blurbs

This Is Not Where I had Expected to Be


48 years old.
Overweight.
No real friends.
A spouse who doesn't even like me, let alone love me.
We have very different definitions of love.
I had no idea I was marrying someone who cannot deal with any emotions beyond negative ones.
I have not written a book.
I have not finished my bachelor's degree.
If I vanished, seriously, who would care past a few days?
I can't think of anyone.
When I think of my life loser is the word that comes to mind.
We're in debt because G. has been unemployed over a year.
I cannot find a nursing job 6 months after I passed the NCLEX.
No one calls me.
I have to call people.
Spouse is so "tired" of me and the way I am.
What more can I expect from someone who called me disgusting?
Someone who'd rather listen to a commercial and gets pissed if I interrupt it?
My children are indifferent/rebellious/bored.
I'm even last on the dog's list.
I never planned on being this old.
I don't feel so old.
At the very least I thought I'd be doing something useful.
I'm not.
I have no relationship with the in-laws.
I have no relationship with my brothers or my dad.
I have no where to go.
Walking out of here might get me to Idaho, broke and alone.
Why can't I get hired? I worked so hard last year!
I sacrificed my dignity, what little self-esteem I had, and my own individual 'selfness' to be a sheep so I could pass.
Who gives a care?
Whose life have I touched profoundly?
How many people who have forgotten me in 48 years?
How many want to forget me?
If God is so faithful why can't I be optimistic naturally?
Why can't I have good points?
Things that make me a work of His.
Genuine
Honest, almost painfully so
Empathetic
Passionate
Why don't I have a glow from the Lord beaming through me?
Memory
Sarcastic
Funny
Silly
Smart(but not half as smart as I think I am)
Why doesn't my spouse love me?
He told me he did 24 years ago, I'm not sure he ever did though.
I'm also socially, awkward at the worst possible times
Courage
crippling self-doubt
Now as I become old, where do I go from here?
I can't picture any future
I am lost in my aloneness



What is the point?

Anyone have any answer to that?

I'd love some insight.

Now I'm Peeved

My son's gf is dumping him because she can't handle having him in the army.

But they're still going to prom tonight. Because he could not get a refund on the $200 tux he rented.

How stupid.

This school has the prom at the same place every year.

The same dinner cruise.

The same night at Whatever Music Experience.

One extremely UGLY building near the Space Needle.

It's a cool place but every year?

They went last year. Remember the car accident on the way home?

I guess this gets me out of her graduation party............which is definitely a plus.

Her family is very typical of the Northwest.

Extended family all the way to great grand parents.

They all hang out socially with the cousins, second cousins...............

If you haven't lived here all your life, or worked for the same company plan on being acquaintances. Here I'm not referring specifically to my son's ex(?) gf's family in particular. 70% of folks are like that.

Over two years of drama and now he makes an adult decision which he researches like a pro and it's see ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

I don't understand the desire to join the military. I hate war. It's HIS choice not mine.

Maybe he'll learn other places can be great places live besides Southern California and King County Washington.

There's an entire world where people don't hibernate for 8 months and only come out in the sun.
Where neighbors actually know one another by sight not just by what car they drive.

Where sarcasm isn't a disease.

Where politics do matter, all the time.

Where one is interesting in things outside of a 50 miles zone.

Her loss.

He is going to be one terrific man some day, soon.

Too Much Fun Apparently

I just got an email saying they'd have to pass on hiring me before I even took the physical.

Dayam.


It's me. It's not too many applicants.

It's my damn mouth.

Just ANOTHER Another Interview

I just had one of the funnest interviews ever!

The Director of Nursing Service and the Staffing Coordinator were kind, sweet, smart, and as funny as hell! (Total and complete opposites from a certain person I had to deal with for eleven months last year!)

I did not get asked what my worst qualities were, thank you Lord!

I was asked what skills could I most improve on.....any guesses? Any one? Bueller?

Tomorrow I am going to a pre-employment health and drug screening. Yeehaw. There is a 5 pages health history to fill out. I am looking forward to asking the doctor about the freakin' eczema that stubbornly surrounds my mouth, chin, and lightly under my nose. The vitamin E helps TONS but it never quite clears up all the way. I suspect there may be a germ issue...cuz microbes are everywhere!!! As long as I don't have any parasites I'm good.

Just Another Interview

Gee, one would think I'd be getting really good at being interviewed~not so much. When they ask what my best qualities are I can usually wing it. Worst qualities....eh. Let me think.........

Editing myself before I speak?

Not being sarcastic?

Having an upbeat attitude no matter what crap flies my way?

Not being cynical?

My frustration level at home?

The fact I want a job, like NOW?

The job is at a SNF aka Skilled Nursing Facility. Which means NOT an assisted living facility, which in the state of WA are considered something called boarding homes. Say whut? Yes. Exactly. Never ever came up i nursing school. Nope. Not once.

Nurses are in such high demand I should have 6 jobs, doncha think?

WRONG!!! Tell it to the bill collectors that would appreciate monthly payments.

Which leads to telling it to my oldest who should be paying us rent.....no, he still isn't and no I'd rather not discuss that aspect of parenting with one's spouse.

And on and on and on.

I don't have a clue if I did well in the interview, I'm a new grad, which says it all.

(place I was at today has a total of 50 RNs and LPNs on staff. I'm hoping that's a good thing and they like to train!)

And Then There's Army Strong

My sweet little Smiley Riley(happiest toddler on Earth!) is going to join the army. We talked to the recruiter yesterday and I am convinced R knows what he is doing,

He's been researching it for months. He understands up until the point of actually being at war.

He would most likely go to basic in late September. He would go Airborne. He's thinking medic.

Then he'll go for Ranger. This would take about 8-9 months to finish these.

Rangers are expected to learn a foreign language. That's another year of intensive training. The Rangers are located in Europe, Middle East, Philippines, several other places where one would need to know the local language.

So mayyyyyyyyybe we won't be in Afghanistan by then(yeah I know but a mother needs to have hope!).

He'll do whether I support him or not. He's my kid and he deserves my support.

He's the last person on the planet who I thought would join the military. So it was a shock!

Now I'll pray. And keep on praying.

Be All That You Can Be

My baby boy is taking me to his army recruiter so I can grill the hell out of the Sgt.

I cannot believe a child of mine wants to go to war.

This is why I freaked out.

Gearing Down to Second

The other day I was in panic mode. The thought of losing(in a way I'll explain another day) another of my boys just set me spinning. The pain of losing Brennan and future children will always be a part of me but I don't live in fear every day.

This has been a rough month with Mother's day as my mom is gone and my baby is gone. I don't want to think so negatively but sometimes it just overwhelms me.

I still believe in God even though I get angry at Him. VERY ANGRY on occasion.

If my one son does what he wants to do, I have no say, no control. He's over 18 and in the US that is considered an adult(and all the moms of boys can laugh now!!).

Just the thought of losing him made me freak. I don't think he knows all the angles of the decision he's making. Doesn't matter. He will do what he'll do.

I would appreciate it if God would bless us with some relief of stress.

I was raised Catholic and the Lord I grew up with was a vengeful God. Even though I know better, I go back to that in crises situations. I need to keep WHY out of my vocabulary.

Berni thanks for the prayer.

Tiffany and Snowy thank you for the open support.

I wish I could hug you all in real life(except Snowy and NTE because hugs would cause them more pain). Thank you for being my sounding board and my friends. I have no one to talk to in my life at this time and it's very difficult to keep all these emotions in. I'm a true extrovert and being at home with the introvert I married is challenging to say the least.

The demon depression needs to be whipped out of my life as well. Depression can be so subtle that before you know it you're considering driving off a cliff. Not that I would. My civic is a great car and I wouldn't wan to injure it (snerk).

I'll let you know how everything goes as it happens.

Love to you all!!!! <3 <3

Doubt

There are some things going on here that are causing me to wonder where God is. I don't feel His presence lately.

I know hard times are supposed to refine us. But both spouse and I being unemployed, having had severe financial issues in the past(not of our making), death of one child, loss of possible future children, possibility we'll be living out of my car soon~~~~~~hello? Lord what the heck is going on?

I can't say what's going on except I cried for 2 hours the other night and wondered why the Lord would want me to lose anyone else. Wasn't my mother, my grandmother, and my infant enough back in 1996? Things are things and living in my car might not be that bad....but not other losses.

I am truly bewildered and I do understand I am not the only one affected.

I feel abandoned and alone.

What's up God? Please explain in Your way.

Seriously...

struggling right now.

Don't want to whine and moan.

Be back soon.

A Lovely Yellow Rose Bush and a Dog of a Digger

Yup.

You guessed it.

Pupples, (now 13 months old), ate the brand new rose bush my younger son bought me for Mother's Day. An extremely nice yellow rose everbloom rose in a large container full of compost.

Quick Backtrack: When my youngest son died a neighbor, who did not like me(I know this because she told me so one day), left two bare root Peace rose bushes on our porch in Brennan's memory. Peace roses are light yellow with pink edges. We, the boys and I (they were 5 and 7), planted them in our yard to remember Bren when we took care of them. We uprooted and brought them with us when we were forced to see the house. I think younger son remembered this and chose yellow roses because he remembered them as yellow. (Those rose bushes died one fungal laden summer in the place we used to rent.)

YS came in after he worked his shift at Home D*****. He went to a local nursery and bought me the largest rose bush he could find. They cost less at the nursery than his job. He then brought it home and presented it to me. So sweet. I could the shadow of the blond, blue eyed five year he once was. He placed in on the deck. We both thought there was no way Pupples would play with huge thorns, now would he?

Our Mistake: assuming dogs have any common sense!

Dogs love to dig. You guessed it. Pupples tore up my rose bush into 10 different pieces!

THEN, he dared to try and dig all the dirt out of the container. It was a 3-4 gallon container.

He pranced into the house, all proud of his puppy self, covered in dirt.

I said in a mommy voice, "Jester?! Where have you been digging?" assuming he was still trying to dig his way to china in the center of our backyard lawn.

Spouse heads outside to see if Pupples had gotten into the new sod he was going to use to fix that very lawn tomorrow.

Nope, not under the fence.

Not in the middle of the lawn.

Not in the damp sod.

No, not our Jester. He decided to try and eat the very thorny and tall rose bush.

Pieces all over the deck. Scattered like a dingo would a raccoon carcass.(Do they have raccoons is Australia?)

Oh my goodness, plus the dirt. Dirt, dirt, dirt, everywhere, but no more rose to plant.

Crazy dang dog.................

Thrilling Thursday

These cause one of my worst allergic reactions.

These are cedar trees.

I love trees.

Honestly, I do.

Yet, if someone ever wants to to prove their love for me......

Cutting every cedar tree in this state would do it!!!!!

Seriously.

For the rest of the post:

whine, whine, whine.

yadda, yadda, yadda.

Blah, blah, blah.

That covers it.

Love ya!

Somethings Are Slow to Change

Two interviews in the past week.

Neither have called back.

They all say we'll call one way or another but they don't. They leave out here wondering why I did not get a particular job.

I've had a 3 day headache from the stress of no money to pay all the bills and eat. My spouse causes the most stress in me, he projects his anxiety into me by the tome of the voice and his actions. It feels like all bad things are my fault always.

He makes me feel terrible for not working but he hasn't worked in 17 months. Why does the guilt land on my ex-Catholic head?

I honestly have no idea where to go from here................