The Sea and Chicken Tuesday

This is a photo from the Washington coast for I see the sea shore. {wink}

Chicken Tuesday by/for Speedcat Hollydale!

Gratitude

That tiny little woman being dwarfed by my sons and my spouse(in back) is one hell of a fighter!

Thank you all who sent prayers and good thoughts. My MIL is doing quite well and they are planning on discharging her on Tuesday.

She is slurring her words slightly and the left side of her face is drooping. She is ready to go back to her gardening. :)

I am not getting any medical info because spouse doesn't pay attention to those details. IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!

I want all the medical details. It's my nature. I won't be getting them because spouse will have forgotten if he had paid attention in the first place. :P

I'm grateful for and to each one of you. HUGZ

Adding On Even More

My spouse's mom had a pacemaker put in yesterday. She's 85. Today she had a stroke.

Spouse is flying down at 4 a.m.. He, is, as usual, coping by not coping. I asked him of he'd heard from his sister and when I saw his look I took a step back.

He looked like he wanted to kill me.

He said he was trying to do something else and not to interrupt his chain of thought.

After 23 years I realized he cannot multitask anywhere nearly as rapidly as most woman can.

Any prayers would so appreciated by me. I'm starting to sink under all this weight. Love you my friends. HUGZ. (Hey, it's lonley in the tunnel of darkness)

Uh Oh! Back to Real Patients Soon

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It's been 5 weeks.

I'd forgotten what real patient care was like.

It's hard work.

Whoops.

I have to reset my brain into student nurse learning actual tasks.

Bed baths and medications and running after your resource nurse.

Being confused and wondering how to solve a particular problem in the most effective manner.

Listening closely to all nurses in unit when they are directing me.

Special instructions: KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!

Let me practice here Baaaabaaaaaaaaaa, baaaaaaaa, baaaaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaa.

Winter 2009 Grades

93%~Integrative Drug Therapies

94%~Clinical Community Lab

95%~Nursing Fundamentals

100%~Computer Case Studies

Small Tribute to Homework During Break

My Happy Place

Adding On

glitter-graphics.com

If I wasn't living my own life, I would have a hard time believing myself. I might consider myself a pessimistic self-absorbed brat making up stories to grab pity and attention.

That's not it. Everything I write about happens or is clearly labeled as wishful thinking etc. I detest pity, btw.

Let's make a current list of stressors and then we can wonder why I haven't stroked out or been placed in a rubber room at the closest state psychiatric facility.


1. full time nursing student

2. mother of one 18yo boy and one 20 yo boy and they both live at home

3. wife to one unemployed 56 yo male who's very passive-aggressive

4. psychotic neighbor lady who wrote us a "letter" about the incident last night. can we say paranoid victim personality? "I thought you were a nice person, but all along suspected otherwise, I guess tonight proved me right." I've never even seen this woman and my spouse can be a jerk but only to me. I have never, in 23 years, seen spouse behave in an inappropriate manner outside arguments with me.(no violence with me just low blow comments)

5. spouse did not get the job he interviewed for last week

6. MIL went through heart surgery this a.m. placing a pace maker in her 85 yo chest, in Santa Barbara which is 900 miles south of here

7. SIL calling spouse explaining/not explaining situation coherently

8. I'm on break from school spending extra time with stressed yet unable to express his emotions verbally spouse

Did I forget anything my Internet buddies??

Psychotic Neighbors and Chicken Tuesday

These are chickens for Chicken Tuesday @ Speedcat Hollydale . Please go visit his chicken stories and his many friends who also participate. My uncle Speedy is a sweetie and a terrific guy!!!!











Psychotic neighbors..........OY VEY!

Across the street and over to the right lives a family. They ain't named Brady. The husband is a very sweet guy. The wife needs THORAZINE STAT! They have a developmentally disabled daughter whom we never really see.

The Psycho wife called the fire department last summer because our neighbor directly across the street was a having a nice BBQ/Bonfire and PW went all freaky.

Now Psycho wifey dislikes my boys' cars. Yes, they do have louder mufflers. But they are careful after 9 at night. Ry just got home at 9:30p.m. and psycho came out cussing him and screaming at him. Then she scream at spouse.

Oh the DRAMA!! of living too close together. Anyone have blow darts from a tribe from Brazil???

Lessons Learned

Life is NOT more fun as a grown up.

Parenting is more fun when the kids are young.

Not finishing UCSD was one of the stupidest things I never did!

Just because one's emotional life is a mess, one can project confidence and competence and no one's the wiser.

The only person I can control is myself.

Being book smart is not the same as being people smart.

Lonely has nothing to do with the amount of people around you.

The vast majority of folks I know(IRL) don't give a damn about me unless I'm all happy and encouraging.

My IQ has never earned me even 50 cents.

I honestly believe I don't belong in the NW. Could be wrong, maybe I wouldn't have friends anywhere I lived.

Idealism has no place in marriage, it's called denial.

I spoke to my spouse about the nightmare incidence. He said only children have nightmares. He's was mad at me because I implied he has no empathy.......if the hat fits. This is a watershed moment. If he can't even try to understand how I felt he'll never understand the complexity of the emotional being I am. THUD.

Out of The Blue

I woke up weeping today.

I had a very scary, totally illogical nightmare.

I had my boys with me(they were younger maybe 4 and 6) and we had no place to go.

My mom was still dead.

My dad was in a drunken stupor.

My brothers were stoned.

I couldn't find a phone. No cell phone. No phone booth

I had no phone numbers to call.

I tried and tried and tried to call my mom to come save my boys and I, but she was dead and couldn't hear me.

I had no where to go.

My boys got stoned like my brothers.

So horrified I could not speak.

So helpless.

So very alone.

No where to go.

No one to help.

Even God did not hear me.

I woke up and was weeping.

Spouse asked what was wrong, so I told him nightmare.

Stop crying he said, it was just some stupid dream.

NO IT WASN'T JUST SOME STUPID DREAM!!!

Asshole couldn't he just hug me?

All my deepest fears and anxieties manifested in my subconscious,

Dopey can't understand enough to realize how the fear lingered into consciousness.

It lingered all day.

All I needed was a hug....

A Death That Was Preventable

For those of you not up on the latest news, Natasha Richardson the extraordinary actress, wife and mother died tonight.

She hit her head while skiing in Montreal.

The ski patrol wanted her to go to a hospital to get her head checked out but Ms. Richarson was laughing and joking and claimed to feel fine.

90 minutes later she in a hospital in Montreal.

Next she was flown to Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC.

They could not save her.

She was 45 years old.

She had two sons and a husband, Liam Neeson.

Ms. Richardson was an excellent actress who came from a famous acting family.

Such a terrible tragedy.

SafetyMom here.

Rule number one for my kids snowboarding is: ALWAYS wear a helmet.

This goes for bikes, skateboards, skiing, climbing trees.

My now 20 year old hit his head doing a backflip while snowboarding when he was 15.

He was fine. Cranky as all get out. Lost consciousness for several seconds. Wanted off the backboard and the neckbrace gone.

I was terrified driving up to the hospital where they had transported him from the mountain.

The doctor said his helmet saved him from a broken neck(C1-C7) and worse.

Kid did not even bruise.

Thank the Lord.

I truly wish Ms. Richardson had been wearing a helmet.

We never think anything will happen to us.

We have that false safety zone in our minds.

It does happen to us, our family members, our friends and even famous people.

May God hold Ms. Richardson's family in His Hands in comfort and peace.

Green Day

glitter-graphics.com

One of my mom's favorite nicknames for me was Eeyore.

Those parents of the 1960's were so nice.

Mom thought I was gray and mopey and complained too much,

at age 6.

Nothing like being pegged at a young age.

I was kinda mopey and picky but aren't most 6 year olds?

Aren't they?

May the luck of the Irish be with you every day you're alive.

Vertigo

glitter-graphics.com

The ground keeps feeling like it's shifting.

Must be the two clinical assignments.

Plus the three 3 finals.

Not to mention the visit at school from the Washington Board of Nursing.

Oh and finshing up fluid/electrolyte balances and acid-base balances in the blood stream. Ya know, a light amusing lecture as the quarter ends.

These nursing school directors have such a SILLY sense of humor. SNORT.


I wonder how much info a brain can take before it explodes all over?

I sincerely wish each one of you a terrific Monday.

It Never Fails...

Just when I start to chill and think things are not bad, WHAM!

SIGH.

We took our last pharm test Thursday.

You know, my favorite topic?

The one I get 3.8's in..?


Forget that image!!

Three quarters of the class failed the test and I was one of then.

In our program anything under 83% is failing.

I got an 82%.

I will end up with a B in the class BUT.................

If 3/4 of the class fails, isn't the test to blame?

We covered 6 different drugs and classes of drugs.

Brochodilators together with anti-coagulants and anti-thrombolytics.

Anti-inflammatories together with anti-malarials.

WTF?

I think Parris Island is easier than nursing school some days. Seriously. 40 miles hikes with 60lbs packs sounds pretty enticing about now.

Other fairly good news~I got full points on my psych paper and 3 page care plan from my clinicals the first 5 weeks of the quarter. My clinical grade should be MUCH higher than last quarter. woohoo.

20 miles south of here some guy killed his wife with an ax. Not so funny when I'm not joking about pretend ax whacks. People are completely freaking out recently. Happy we don't own an ax,




........................just a chain saw....(scaryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy music).


BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

A Break is a Coming Soon

Two days of classes left this quarter.

Two days.

Yeehaw.

Then three finals next Wednesday and Thursday.

A journal about my on campus clinical.

A care plan written about my son because I never did see any patients on campus.

Freedom is the next step.

Peace.

Silence.

A calm stillness within my heart, just content to be movement less.

Deep breath.

Oh, wait.

One thing can mess this all to hell.

The spouse. Being home. Never leaving....

(thinking thoughts of spiked drinks and unconscious spouses)

I'd like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes.

I love this internet community and all of you within my sphere.

HUGZ, HUGZ, and more HUGZ.

STOP The Madness!

I know that times are hard.

I realize folks are under tremendous pressure.

Flare ups will happen to people.

Arguments will occur.

But DAMN this shooting entire families and pastors HAS GOT TO STOP!!

Am I the only one who thinks America doesn't need a return to the Wild West?

Vigilantes running around shooting 'em up?

TWO WORDS: GUN CONTROL!!!

All you NRA types, spare me your rhetoric. Don't insult my intelligence.

I'm not talking hunting rifles.

I'm talking hand guns and automatic weapons.

I'm talking slaughter in our churches, people's homes and other venues.

10 People died in Alabama today. Should never had happened. NEVER!

We need to stop the violence without creating more violence...

PEACE. Say it again, PEACE.........

Hostility in Marriage

When I got married over 22 years ago, I thought marriage would be a partnership. A journey of joy, some tough times but lots of laughter. HA!

Was I naive or what?

I am in my last week of the quarter, papers and finals looming over me like a black cloud.

My allergies are driving me insane, making my head an itchy mucus filled ball of misery. The quality of my sleep is compromised at best.

Before I accepted my acceptance into the nursing program, we discussed how much of my time it would take. That I would need extra support emotionally and physically. I needed his help to make it through and keep my grades in the A's.

Ha. Haha.

Spouse lost his job the beginning of January. He's home all day.

And yet he isn't doing more around the house or grocery shopping or even having a neutral versus snotty somehow it's MY fault he lost his job(5th time in 22 years of marriage). All targets lead to Janice and damnit, I've had it.

He's all bent because I had several prescriptions I had to pay cash for. The interim insurance said we weren't in the system so I paid with MY credit card. Guess who got all bent out of shape?

My thoughts: DUDE you want to see go wacko psychotic??? I'll stop my scripts cold turkey. Then you can watch me dance in your blood!!

Seriously I am not a violent person. I am however hurt by the implications I'm wasting money on my health and my education isn't as important as whatever the hell he does every damn day.

I'm hostile. The worst thing?

I can't argue it out with him. He's too passive agressive and cannot argue without bringing other unrelated issues into it. 22 years without a good smack dowm(in words) clear the air argument.

Sorry for the whining but I can't talk to him so you all get the pleasure.

Nonsense

Life isn't making much sense recently.

My place in the world at this point in my life doesn't make sense.

How my kids are doesn't make sense.

Where my marriage is doesn't make sense.

This doesn't mean any of these things are bad, they're just not what or where I kinda expected them to be.

The ecomony doesn't make sense.

How'd we go from massive prosperity to an "almost" depression? I'm glad my grandparents and mother aren't around cuz they'd be freaking out! Major league freaking out!

I am attempting to keep a calm if not quite upbeat attitude.

Not easy. Nope. Not at all.

I am grabbing on to my sense of silly.

Which is where nonsense comes in.

It's much easier to not dwell on nonsense versus what doesn't make sense.

A matter of semantics, but it's working for me.

For today at least.

How are you keeping calm and sane in our upside down world?

Time Flies, Sometimes It Crawls

As I stand near the eve of my 47th birthday,

I find myself slightly stunned.

Where the HELL did my life go?

I remember being 5 years old and waiting on a chair by the dryer. My mom had to bribe me so she could get my blankie away from me to wash. I demanded to sit in the laundry room so no marauding evil older brothers would have the chance to steal my beloved blankie.

I was not even in kindergarten yet. I had short hair because my mom hated trying to get my tangles out. I don't understand that. My screams were only at 70 decibels...

I had a brand new baby brother.

Unfortunately he was a boy like my older brother. Sigh. Life was so difficult at five.

I was a pretty happy five year old. I could entertain myself by reading, coloring, playing imaginary house, playing with the baby who was stuck in the playpen. You know those OLD playpens made of metal and mesh with huge holes so I could push toys through the sides, or even my whole hand to tickle the little smurf.

The sandbox was a magical place for this girl. I adored cooking with sand and/or making chemicals react.(Yeah, I was a geek back then too) Hours went by with me deliriously happy in the sandbox.

Bagels were a treat on the weekends. REAL bagels. East Coast awesomely tasty bagels. Toasted and buttered. One of my favorites.

My nasty older brother loved getting me to play dodge ball with his 7yo friends. I was always the target.......To this very day I detest dodge ball. Seriously loathe it. Not to mention all the bruises that were left on my cute little body.

On special days my mom would give us a dime each and we walked all by ourselves to the YMCA and bought candy with our dimes. I loved(still do) Sweettarts and Bazooka bubble gum. Even though I had be escorted by my older brother it was worth it! A walk at least several blocks with candy at the end. The ultimate "big girl" treat.

This was almost 42 years ago. I can remember it like yesterday. Where did those 42 years go?



Do you know the feeling?

Back Before My Sons Grew Up

When my boys were little I used to plan(obsess over) fun things for holidays.

I hung up Valentine hearts and pictures up all over the kitchen, family room and several in their rooms

We made, together(yes I was nutso), gingerbread mini-heart cookies for the neighbors and preschool pals.

I made hand crafted Valentines for my older son's class. Red hearts out of poster board with candy hearts attached.

Easter was really special to me.

I, we, decorated the windows with colorful sticky eggs, crosses, bunnies, duckies.

We decorated the cabinets with drawings and cut out bunnies and duckies and Easter Eggs and crosses.

I even helped them to glitter these pieces of art work. (I was completely insane)

We read story books about Easter, religious and non religious alike.

My older son and I read The Velveteen Rabbit over and over again.

I boiled 2 dozen eggs and helped them to decorate them. Vinegar and dyes.

The night before I created "The Easter Egg Hunt".

First, I spinkled paper grass all over so they could see the Easter Bunny's progress.

Small chocolate eggs were hidden, all at a lower level since they were short back then.

Malted milk eggs and marshmellow filled eggs were hidden as well.

One Easter the Bunny left some tail fuzz behind...my 2yo was gloriously happy to have his own "real" rabbit tail. :)

There were various Easter baskets through the years.

Sand pail buckets, metal buckets, fuzzy buckets...

The Easter Egg hunt was our last tradition to go as the boys turned into 'tweens and then teens. Too cool to hunt for chocolate now.

Every Easter eve, when my house is quiet I see that Easter Bunny.

He smiles and then waves to me.

Every single year.

Magical March

March has always been my special month.

My mom's birthday was March 23.

My birthday is March 10.

My spouse's birthday is March 6.

A close friend's birthday is March 4.

My youngest son's birthday was March 22.

March~my month.

What's your month?

When I was young it was such an exciting month for me.

I knew I'd get some birthday presents and get to bring treats to schools.

It's an unpredictable month weather wise, that seemed part of it's charm.

I was always happy to see February leave.

March means different thing to me now...

1.5 weeks of classes left.

Finals in 2 weeks.

10 days off, woohoo and yeehaw!

March always meant renewal to me.

Spring.

Even when the weather did not cooperate.

March meant Easter and the rejoicing in the Resurrection of Jesus(hey, I was raised Catholic, K?)

The later part of March meant Easter bonnets, new dress and Easter Baskets.

March has always been what has rejuvenated me from the drudgery of February.

No Matter What, It's Better Than Being Dead

I know quite a title. But so very true.

Lisa at Clusterfook died on Friday February 27, 2009.

I had only read Lisa's blog a few times. I had heard she was fighting cancer for the third time, was in her 30's, had 2 preteen girls, and that some very nasty trolls were leaving evil comments on her blog.

You know this type of troll. The one who claims you fake-blog. Make it all up to make some spare cash or publicity. The kind of trolls who need to keep their evil and cruelty to themselves!

No matter how cranky I get, how sad, how angry, how stupidly whiny, it's all better than being dead.

Sounds simplistic yet sometimes the simplest truths resonate the most.

I have heard of several bloggers losing friends to cancer in the past several months. Young folks. People who did not deserve to die in such a painful, dignity destroying way. My friend was 40. There is a man whose life is completely unraveled because of the loss of his soul mate. Three young men whose mom will not be at their graduations or weddings.

I'm sorry Lisa lost her battle. At the same time I'm glad she's out of pain and the haze caused by her painkillers.

Even if I fell off the curb tomorrow and scraped off my entire face, it would still be better than being dead.

I'm not sure I'm making sense.

Whatever pain/joy/emotions I go through, feeling those emotions is better than being dead.

Rest In Peace
Lisa
Tammy
All who have died before they should have...