Up to Date

None of my job interviews went anywhere.

I am still stuck at my not so fun job.

I'm seriously considering the Peace Corps.

I'm 51, how many chances will I have to go out and see the world?

I've never left North America.

My spouse is completely against joining the Peace Corps himself so I'd go by myself.

That intrigues me.

The idea of being on my own for the first time ever entices.

Maybe I'd hate it.

Maybe I'd love it.

It's a 27 month commitment.

48 days of vacation to travel to wherever.

To anywhere so NOT America.

To be able to do some good in the world.

I don't mind the idea of unplugging at all.

I'd still have books.

I've began my application but need to finish the essays.

I also need to to read all the legal stuff.

Any thoughts?

My God Must Be Groucho Marx

I have heard some people say God has no sense of humor.

They have not met my God.

My God has a sense of humor.  He pranks me all the time.

It's my facetious explanation for the ups, downs, and surprises in my life.

Every now and again when something unexpected happens, I look around for the rubber chicken.

Otherwise, WTF?

I sat in a staff meeting today while my replacement was introduced.

Was it embarrassing?

You bet your life!

Was it humiliating?

You bet your life!

Was it educational?

You bet your life!

I learned my lack of political savvy has left me in the dust.

My replacement is 24, very pretty, and can play to the upper management and the crowd equally well.

My problem is that I hate the game.

I hate pretending to like Barbie (the marketer).  Pretending to like Barbie is not as easy as it sounds.

She's so faux, it takes all my strength not to gag every time she utters another two faced lie.

Every time she tells someone her car is her baby, I want to puke.

I hate the part of healthcare care that is making profits off of someone's illness or inability to take care of themselves.

I have a very hard time trying to justify a care fee increase of $900 a month to a family that already pays over $5 grand.

I like taking care of people, I don't care about the profit margin.

The harsh reality is that health care is a for profit business.  Especially the long term care health industry.

I am actually glad I am not the RCC anymore.  I am pissed about the reduction in pay but I realize how much bull shit I won't have to wade through.

I don't have to be the DNS's personal bitch.

I also learned this job switch must have ben planned for well over a month by some of things that were said today.

I have learned I cannot trust the DNS, the RCC, and other management.  They lie.  I'll remember that.

Will I continue to take excellent care of my residents?

You bet your life!

That Greek Guy

Sisyphus.

Yeah, that guy.

I feel like him.

It's been a rough year.

Family wise, career wise, midlife wise…all the wises and then some.

I realized I've been battling depression since 1996.

Damn, that's a long time.

I even got off all the meds for a year and then McArmy joined the army and my anxiety/depression decided I was never going to get that boulder to the top of the mountain.

I feel as if my life is kind of over.

By this I mean, what exactly do I have to look forward to? (Hush you grammar Nazis!  I know I should not end my question with to.)

I am a woman without a clear direction.

A compass-less sailor.  (Yeah, I'm loving the metaphors today)

When I ask people in their fifties what they look forward to, they typically answer grandchildren or retirement or walking off into the sunset with their spouse.

The only way I could see retirement is to win the lottery and then go around the world helping those less fortunate.  Kinda like the Gates foundation with less money and less fame.

Hanging out 24/7 with the spouse would kill us both.  To be brutally honest we don't have common interests except for our kids, the dog, our shared lives, and our communal hatred of the right wing political party.

Grandchildren would be fun but one son lives in Texas and doesn't really speak to us and the other still lives here, in my house(does anyone remember how difficult it was to keep this kid in the house when he was 15-19??).

I take care of elderly people and I never, ever, ever want to be in an assisted living or retirement home!  I don't want my life to be all about the bowel movements and waiting for them to open the dining room because meals are the highlight of my day.  I want so much more than that.

I know what I don't want.

I just need to figure out what I do want.

OY!

Time to go shower so I can go to work where I'll be sweating (in places people really shouldn't sweat!) because I get to wear the crappy cotton/poly corporate polo shirt.  Blarg.

My workplace does not have air conditioning because it never gets hot in Seattle.

The hallways in my building get up to 80-90 degrees on sunny days especially on the second floor.

Essentially I'll be taking a shower to only shower when I get home at 11:30 tonight.

Sisyphus….

The Best Ten Minutes of My Day

The best ten minutes of my day were spent one on one with a resident.

This resident needs assistance for almost everything.

His body has been ravaged by a recurring brain tumor, short circuiting most his voluntary movement.

Every day I work I spend several minutes rubbing lotion onto his feet.

Today I decided to spend extra time with the foot rub, spending 5 minutes on the feet alone.

The I asked if he'd like a hand massage and he answered "Please".

I was thrilled to provide some therapeutic touch through lotion and massage.

This gentleman gets very little physical contact except for the caregivers doing their jobs.

He was grateful for the ten minutes I spent with him.

This is why I became a nurse.  To make someone feel so much better with simple touch.

He had a huge smile when I told him we'd do again tomorrow night. :)

A time to Live, A Time to Die

Earlier this week one of my sweetly demented nonagerians was actively dying.

I checked on her every fifteen minutes to see if she was still breathing.

I sat next to her a few times and held her hand.

She has an 11 by 14 inch portrait of herself and her husband from about thirty years ago.

It wasn't all stiff like many portraits.

You could feel the connection between these two people.

People in the middle of their lives, the middle of their marriage.

This lady loved to stare at that picture with great intensity.

When she died, I imagine she climbed (Steven King reference anyone?) in the portrait into the arms of her beloved husband.

She had a very serene look on her face.

TheTwisting of the Knife

To make my day even better....when I walked in at six freaking a.m. Everyone had to ask :  Is it true?



They announced the sweet ill ol nurse who has been out of school will be the new RCC.

She is twenty- freaking- four years old.

Not to sound all x files but methinks there was a plot afoot awhile before I was notified.

Any wells around for me to jump down?...

Downward

I got a text from my boss yesterday, my day off.

It said , "You'll be glad to hear I got you 22.50 an hour!"

RIGHT.

Yo beotch, that's $2.00 an hour LESS that I am supposed to be earning.

I thought my days of feeling humiliated and over worked were behind me.

How wrong I was.

No matter your age or where you may be in life, feeling awkward still continues.

Junior high is looking like a "fun" time these days….

Where Am I Going?

It's been a week of disappointments.

My son, who's back in the states, does not even communicate with us.  He's taking his leave with his family far south of Washington without even bothering to notify us.

My job just demoted me, for vague reasons.  I have not made any med errors, killed any co-workers, left work undone, but now I'm getting paid less.  (it's a long complicated political story so I'll spare you.)

I am 51.

Where is my life going?

I feel directionless.

I spent 18 years being a stay at home mom.

I spent around 22 years being a student.

I've been a wife for 26.75 years.

I have never seen Easter Island.

I haven't written the great American novel (ha! like I could)

There should be more pleasure in my life than playing games on Facebook.

There should be more joy in my day besides my dog loving me.

There should be more.