Friday Free Think

What the heck does free think mean you wonder? It means I'm just gonna ramble. Thinking randomly and free associating.

Sorry it wasn't something a bit more enthralling.

I have found that being boring is not a bad thing at my age. This means everything is going ok. No major failures and no major successes. Way better than climbing out of some deep, dank, and dark hole.

There have been a few more resumes sent out to specific job ads. The jobs ads appear to be getting more numerous though still not plentiful.

Here, in the Seattle area, one person was murdered because of their craigslist.com ad to sell a diamond ring. The rest of the family was terrorized. A few days earlier some folks further north had a home invasion robbery also stemming from a craigslist.com ad. My spouse sells things often on craigslist but never gives out our home address. They think the same group of violent greedy sociopaths did both crimes. Whatever happened to love one another?

Everything is in bloom around here. The lilacs and tulips are getting ready to fade and the rhodies are getting ready to shower us with color. Unfortunately in the process of building a new humanities/social sciences building, the college I graduated from cut down many trees and hundreds of 45 year old rhododendron bushes. I'm not a huge rhodie fan but even I appreciate the glory of these huge, massive blooming splashes of rare colors. I'm kinda glad I'm not around to miss them. (I know I am silly but dang, who needs another ugly techno building?)

My younger son and spouse are bonding downstairs over the Mariner game. How testosteroney of them. Grin. Men. My older son is at a pal's house and I do believe they were going to get plastered together. DUHHHHHHH. That'll feel good at work tomorrow dummies.

That's about it. Off to read and perhaps dreams without the vivid dreams that have been unsettling recently. G'night!!!

My Hero Suldog

Now whoever would have thought a man I've known for about a year online would become my hero? The internet is forever a surprise!

Suldog who I think of as Sully, is a man of Irish ancestry who lives around Boston, loves his wife, plays softball with a passion I reserve for a great book, and writes a wickedly humorous blog. He hides the fact that he is really a sweet man who cares about other people.

I've enjoyed him because his blog makes me crack up. He's also quietly supportive when he reads my blog. He always leaves an encouraging comments which I deeply appreciate as I appreciate all my readers who show they care. We both prayers for people who have no idea we are praying for them.

He is my HERO of the year.

Why you ask?

I have been suffering from evil, itchy, self-confidence killer, and extremely ugly eczema on my face for an entire twelve months. Eczema is an itchy ugly red rash that flares and ebbs with crusty scaly patches. It is most common in people who have allergies. If you've been reading here then you know I have fairly severe pollen allergies. One that cause itchy eyes, throat, eustachian tube clogging, stuffy and runny nose, hives on occasion, and other miserable actions on my body. Right now I take Benadryl and a decongestant 24/7.

Stress tends to exacerbate the eczema. I had it on my hands forever from cleaning supplies or just extra dry wintery weather. I get a small patch or two on my arms now and again. Never had it on my face until my joyous and stress free year in nursing school.

Being unemployed along with my spouse, living with 2 we-think-we're-adults males, a pitbull has left me somewhat stressed. Going to interviews seems to make the condition worse. LOVE walking into an interview looking like my face is broken out.

I've been known for my smooth and youthful complexion. (Don't ask me. My mom used to tell me she was envious, other folks have mentioned how smooth and even toned it is. I'm all like ohhhhhhh kay you nutjobs. I don't even wear make up.

Mr. Suldog suggested using the vitamin E oil in my vitamin E capsules.

Darn it if it did not work immediately!!! It was very soothing.

My redness started diminishing.

Today I look almost human! I'm just going to keep doing the vitamin E and hope it all leaves.

Sully YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!

It worked where none of the expensive steroid creams and potions did not. HA! Screw you AMA!

Sully I am forever grateful and you are now my hero!

P.S. Interview went quite well yesterday.

Tuesday Tidbits

I have an interview tomorrow for an on-call position at a mental health office/center.

I wasn't going to say anything but telling ya'll is not gonna jinx me.

The interviewer knows I'm a new grad so I am hoping I will receive some of the training I need.

The eczema on my chin is getting worse! YUCK. It makes me feel so conspicuous. It's ugly, red, some of it is weeping(teensy bit) and some is scaly. From a reasonable distance I'm sure it just looks like my chin is fill of zits. For crying out loud I'm forty freakin' eight years old breaking out at this age is silly.

I've been battling the eczema since last spring quarter so an entire year now. It sucks. I've had it on my hands and my upper arms before but never on my face. I was talking to my older brother and he told me he had it on his face but it went away and never came back. Both of us have terrible pollen allergies. Make up would be useless. Actually I think make up would make it more noticeable. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! I have this light white skin and then there's my chin flaming like a campfire......

I've researched natural remedies but all they suggest is to use lotions or oils for dry skin. It's not dry skin~it's right in my t-zone for crying out loud. There's no cure for eczema all the articles say so sweetly. SCREW YOU ECZEMA!! You're really pissing me off.

Done the steroids~does not work. Taking extra B vitamins helped with some of the extraneous redness. I'm trying extra C and E but I cannot see any changes. In fact, I'm flaring. Sucky stupid moronic skin condition. If I could send it to hell I would.

The spouse and I are not getting along very well. He actually nags me about sending resumes for certain jobs on Craig's List. Dude, not your life. NO NAGGING allowed. It just sets off a mutinous attitude because my mom was a nagger so I've learned to resent it. He also tell me I'm repetitive. I nailed him yesterday by reminding him I've never done anything but support him the 5 times he's been unemployed. Tired of being criticized. Just as I am tired of him jumping in any time I say something to the 19yo. MYOB DUDE!

Enough venting. I hope all of you are having a terrific Tuesday!!!

Honest Scrap

(LOL that title describes my life on occasion.)

This is a blog award, which I rarely do any more, but It's Just Me at Who's Life is This Anyways

felt I deserved this because I am so honest about my feelings. Haha, if she only knew what I don't write about.

I am supposed to tell you ten things you don't know about me.....

1) There are many days I feel completely useless.

2) I was completely BOY CRAZY from 13 on.

3) I grew up in a '60s household meaning as a child my mother expected things I never did or couldn't be. Straight A's, clean(screw dat I still say!), obedient, and responsible.

4) I was never ever a girly girl.

5) I felt totally uncoordinated in every clinical experience last year. I don't mean just a slight trip over my foot but dang! I can barely walk straight and where the hell is that lady's urethra supposed to be?

6) It took me 5 months to figure out how to apply theory to actuality. My clinical instructor thought I was being arrogant but I just could not make the connection. As someone who's fairly quick on the uptake this made me question my abilities in various ways.

7) I was not popular in my nursing class. I asked too many questions and many of my classmates thought I was a Know-it-all. (SURPRISE!!!)

8) I spent much of my fabulous childhood playing imaginary games.

9) I ROCK at Jeopardy but think those folks who keep asking for vowels on Wheel of Fortune are idiots. Yes I know, I'm not the nicest person on the planet.

10) Some nights I think if I vanished or died, no one would even notice I wasn't around until my body began to smell. I also fear no one would come to a service if I did die.

If anyone would like this award please be my guest.

Wait and See

I went to a Christian Women's Conference this weekend at the church I used to attend so faithfully.

I called a woman from my church Thursday and told her I needed to get back to church, that I was sinking fast.
She said well we have a conference going on this weekend would you like to attend.

I was "OH YES PLEASE!!"

So she set it up.

Topic: how suffering refines you for God's plan. (Snowy no comments needed as I know you're an atheistic~which is cool but I know you get my meaning)

It gave me lots to think about.

The most important thing it gave was belonging.

Several friends from the many years I was there begged me to sit with them. Oh joy, someone likes me!! Cuz my spouse doesn't. Seriously I don't think he respects me or likes me anymore.

The support and comfort I received was so fabulous. I knew I had a comfort group somewhere I just couldn't remember where.

DUH! So God figuratively threw a brick upside my head.

I feel much less alone that I was.

I'll believe (or rather I do believe and I know Sully does too) that the perfect job where I am fulfilling God's purpose for HIS glory is out there somewhere. I just haven't stumbled onto it yet.

My attitude took a wonderful flight upwards.

I love all my internet friends. But I needed folks I could see.

I resign my membership in the self-pity club for now.

I wish all of you had fabulous weekends and thanks for sticking with me!!!!!!

Musing From An Insomniac

As I lay there attempting to sleep I decided to pray. You know, about finding a job, and about spouse finding a job, about the Pupples because spouse was rampaging about oldest son not taking care of his dog............blah,blah,blah

I'm feeling quite stressed. Tonight as I looked around the family room, I was looking for some thing to knock my spouse out. Lucky for him all my art and decorations are completely non-lethal and probably would not even leave a mark.

Snide passive/aggressive fly by comments have been dropping from spouse's mouth for 3 days now and I say nothing because one can never win an argument with a P/A anal pain in the neck. Nope, low blow comments are hard to make a case about. Besides arguing with spouse about things I cannot change, I would just end up with me really pissed and frustrated and in a way he wins then. You'll understand that comment if you understand passive/aggressive personalities.

I wish spouse would write about his frustrations instead of taking them out(with snide comments or martyr comments which are even more irritating). Nope he's no writer. He's never even wanted to read my blog. Thinks all bloggers are nutjobs. Fine by me.

The snide/martyr comments add to my stress levels. He knows that, it's why he does it. I can be up all night worrying as he sleeps just freakin' fine.

I had another interview with a different home nursing care agency. I have no clue how I did. They always say they'll call in 2-3 days but they haven't so far. I also sent in a resume for a full time psych clinic nurse job 5 miles from here. A job with benefits and no weekends. I'm not holding my breath.

Praying lead me to self-evaluation.

In Steven King's masterpiece The Stand he makes comment about a character who thinks he's a nice guy, but not quite. King uses an analogy that this guy being a good guy is kinda like biting on tin foil....something is not nice about this guy. Ever since I first read that analogy 25 some years ago I have related it to myself. I like to think I'm a good friend, a nice person, even faintly amusing. To tell the truth, that is so NOT the feedback I've been getting back.

My older brother tells me he and I have many narcissistic qualities. Too many to fit in easily. He does have a point in certain areas. I forget birthdays outside the family. Since Brennan I have stopped sending out Christmas cards. I never sent a present after my niece was born 10 years ago. I never got a baby announcement either but ya know I'm the one who's lacking. (I was in a deep episode of depression) but my brother(Hollywierd one) and his wife think I just cared about myself too much to bother. This is why I have never met my middle brother's wife. This is why I do not get invited to Mendocino on vacation as my other brothers do.

I went slightly off track there sorry.

I think I never get the job is because I have a serious issue about disclosing too much and I'm not the best listener. Sometimes I unintentionally interrupt because I need to speak. It's rude. I try very hard not to do it but somehow I do.

We grew up doing this at the dinner table. I should have grown out of it. I don't even realize I've done it until it's too late.

Or I'll spout some trivial information no one else gives a darn about. I'm so totally clueless. I can see where this would be off-putting.

How do I fix this? How do I become a nice person? It's always my intention to be nice. I never intend to hurt anyone or offend them. I don't use my vast resources of sarcasm because no one gets it and then I am left feeling and looking like an idiot.

Things are bad. How do I fix this old dog so I can find a job somewhere, some how?

I Can't Get It Out of My Head

I was having a cranky, feeling sorry for myself kinda day.

Spouse was cleaning out the gazillion boxes we have from moving the past 3 times. He brings me a file he found in triumph.

Triumph because his original 1962 Social Security card was in the file.

He went back into the garage as I opened the file.

First thing I see after his ancient SS card is my third child's birth certificate. Boing went my mood further downward.

Next were his "frame-able" birth cert. with his little footprints on it.

The next document was his death certificate. Damn, grief can just bitch slap ya when you aren't looking!

Brennan lived 10 months, 11 days.

All of it comes flooding back. The happy pregnancy. The c-section cuz he was breech birth.

The gut mommy intuition that something was a teeny bit off with son number 3.

The helplessness and agony of watching him seize for 16 hours straight when he was 5 months old.

The rest of everything.

My spouse could not understand why I could not just think about something else. (Because I am human! Humans have emotions!)

14 years later and some days it can still double me over.

I live with it every day and 99% of the time I'm good.

The 1% still sucks.

What Was I Thinking?

I was the type of mommy who adored staying home.

I think infant/toddlers are the most fun ever! Even through exhaustion and chaos.

Without a doubt my favorite time with my kids was when they were newborn and 2.

Or 1 and 3. Perhaps 2 and 4.

I willingly stayed home and raised my child in a mostly attachment parenting style.

I must have been delusional to think the boys might one day appreciate it. Honestly, I wasn't doing just for them. I received much pleasure and felt like I was a good mother.

This is why I am confused.

Since the age of 15/16 I am a nobody. Worthless unless someone needs a ride, money, a place to live......

Both my husband's and my laptops have died recently. This makes it difficult to job search, network, take our minds off our issues by playing mindless games, etc.

My children both have desktop computers we bought them.

In fact, we didn't buy them FOR them, but we have allowed them to use them.

So when my 21 year old said I couldn't use the computer because it was his day off and he just signed on I almost blew my stack.

I blew it. I made parenting my life for 17 years. I happily left my identity somewhere in Newport Beach California and I'm still trying to find it.

Then I went back to college but I was still parenting.

Not that I got much support here at home. I studied for finals in noise. I made it through nursing school myself through the noise, chaos and parenting duties.

Now I am finding it hard to gain employment because I have no employment history. Because I was parenting in the way I(we) thought was best.

Volunteering does not register to employers.

Stupid silly me.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Should have gone back to work when they were both in school.

Do I sound bitter?

Cuz I am just a bit.

My kids are entitled self centered boys.

I have no clue how I managed to raise them to be that way.

What was I thinking?

Love Hurts

If my beloved spouse says "Then why didn't you do it that way; my way; the right way? again, I think I'll be spending the next 40 years behind bars.

WARNING: if you don't understand sarcasm, caustic humor, or the consequences of seeing one's spouse every day for over 6 months then DO NOT read this post.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wee look into my state of mind~


Dang. You are SO not my father. Stop acting like him!!

Mr. Passive/aggressive spent his entire morning rearranging the upstairs computer/rec room.

Fine. If it makes ya happy do it. However, do not use that superior voice when requesting aid from me.

Cuz if you do, I swear the evil gargoylish monster that lives in my head is going to break out of my skull and torture you for 7 days and THEN kill you. Got it?

Torture will in the form of being immobilized and forced to watch people mess up your desk, leave the history on their computers for more than 24 hours, and place dirty dishes on the kitchen floor attracting ants who will then eat you.

The word anal doesn't even cover half of it.

What?

You're asking if I missed taking my meds the past few days?

Nope I took 'em. They just don't help anymore.

A year ago I was whining about nursing school...forgive me for that. Because I'd rather be there than here.

I do appreciate what I have.

Don't get me wrong.

6 months of one anal pain in the neck, one cranky teenager, one irresponsible(personal responsibility) 21 year old and a pitbull puppy makes one off.

Way off center. Seriously.

If Life's A Bowl of Cherries~What am I Doing in The PITS?

Wow. How to start.

My MIL(age 85) is back in the hospital. She's been in and out for the past 6-9 months due to a joint replacement, then a small stroke, then a heart rhythm issues and lately blood clotting issues. Very common in older folks on blood thinners.

Older people react differently than you and I do on medications. Their livers and kidneys take longer to filter medications and they lose the ability younger organs have to regulate med. levels.

Essentially my sweet MIL's blood was not clotting at all. If I had seen her PT and PTT results I would have freaked(clotting times). She been back and forth to the hospital the past two weeks.

I fear she's tired and starting to give up. The bad thing is my husband and my kids are up here in the NW and she's down in Southern California.

If you recall WE IZ BROKE.

My SIL and her partner have been caring for my MIL for years and doing a fabulous job. I feel slightly guilty because everything falls on them.

Spouse needs to be ready to go on a moment's notice. I think the boys should be ready as well. Not sure they will. They are young and think the world revolves around them.

Subject #2~
I had that interview for a home care agency Monday. Things appeared to be going well. I got a 100% on their pediatric knowledge test. One of the interviewers seemed fine with me. The HR lady did not understand why I hadn't gotten a job since passing my boards. Why had I only worked temp jobs?

Not such a great vibe there. I got the brush off as she rushed me out of the office. I won't get into details but if one is hired they stay and do the paperwork.

I'm not sure if I did something wrong or not, I just know I felt very upset all the way home.

I feel like such a loser. I want a job. I need a job. I'm wondering what I can do to make myself more hire able...except not being a SAHM for 17 years before I went back to college. I have no recent job history.

The future is kind of a void right now.

Has anyone ever lived under a freeway? Cuz I should be compiling tips....

Another Step in Being a Grown up

Things have been difficult this week. We are seriously short on funds. Both boys have jobs now but all we get from oldest is his car insurance payment. Which helps a tiny bit.

I took the bull by the horns and have an interview to sign with a medically intensive home care.

It's not where I wanted to be but someone had to step up and get a paying job.

It's in nursing.

The company has been around since 1985 and do an excellent job in training for ventilators and trachs.

If things work out I could be in training and therefore being paid a wage by the end of the week.

Great bennies after 90 days and min. 24 hours a week.

Even though I kinda want to take this decision and act all martyr like I won't.

From what I can glean the agency has people who are facetious on staff. WOOHOO my tribe lives!!!!!!

If you know me at all silly is what saves me from the dark holes and endless pits.

My keeping my mouth shut and my keeping my life separate will be a challenge but I am willing to try.

I'm even willing to take on pediatric care. I have experience in that arena.

The big thing is: I'll be getting out of the house!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be paid for working!!!!

I'll have some experience on my resume.

Yes, Janice has chosen to be the grown up. Not the first time, sigh.

Boys will be paying for their own gas, 21yo pays car insurance and he's got a new store opening Monday and he's moving up the ranks.

HUGE PRAYER REQUEST: Lord please help Janice hold her tongue when necessary!!!!! Help become a comfort and relief to the clients she is assigned to, allow her to be a blessing and a light.


For all my Christian Friends:::Praise be, The Lord Has Risen!

To all my readers hugs and grateful thanks for your support and response. LOVE YA!