Disclaimer: I doubt I'll leave this post up more than today or I will edit it significently so read it while you can. Rant ahead. ...
It's Heads Or Tails Tuesday! For more exciting posts and takes on the theme please go over to Barb at
Skittles Place! Tell Her Janice sent you. :)
I'm a might irritated at the moment. Not that this is a revelation, but it was made quite clear by all 3 men in my life that the mark, the impression, I'm leaving these men with is singularly unremarkable. I'm gonna channel Rodney Dangerfield and say, "I don't get NO respect!"
I am under-appreciated like no body's business. It is similar to the teacher voice in Charlie Brown cartoons. They are hearing wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh, when I am speaking words, ideals, issues, opinions, questions and/or statements. Frankly I feel this is bull pucky.
Because I am definitely worth appreciating.
I am smart, funny, ethical, creative, flexible, helpful when I could be strident and whiny, don't think I haven't been tempted to act that way. They would ignore me. Still.
This is a two person marriage. I am responsible for half. McHub did not sign on for a basket case~which I was for a long time after my youngest child died in my arms. Through all my grief and depression I never got bad enough to be unreactive. I always got out of bed and dealt with the boys 24/7. We grieved in extremely different ways and that magnified our differences and disconnect. I, however, have not made the choice the walk away mentally OR on the internet or in life. My kids were both aware of what was going on. I'm the only deaf, dumb and blind one in this house because I trusted my husband with my one and only heart, rebuilt but still there.
I spent the past 5 days making sure McHub was aware I was here, right in the same room. I jumped him in the living room when the boys were out.(The lack of intimate relations in this marriage were not initiated by me. I've been turned down more times than the 40 year old virgin) Then I cleaned the kitchen, made one hell of a Thanksgiving dinner,presented with tablecloth, holiday themed rubber duckies for decoration and food presented with effort I don't normally make, cleaned up after dinner, kept kitchen clean all weekend and did all the laundry yesterday. McHub has no idea who this Stepford wife is or was. I did all this cheerfully. Purposely. Making my mark clear as day. Some people are confused.
My 16yo laughs when I tell him to do something. I ended up driving the 15 miles to Barnes and Noble(only bookstore even close) to grab him another copy of The Scarlett Letter. I had walked in at 7:45pm after 8 hours on campus. I reminded the kid 19,000 times this weekend about this book and project. It was if I were invisible and inaudible. No thank you. That was the last straw. Next time he's irresponsible he can eat it. Sorry boy, but that wasn't my responsibility.
The 19yo is doing his own thing, mostly. I am a piece of the furniture.
Mark My Words, the South(in in this case me) WILL rise again. I will rise as a professional female who can support myself and enjoy what I do for a living. Enough of subjugating myself for any freaking male, dead or alive.
I have a major test in A&P Wednesday. Their idea of support...huh? You're in school? When I triumph over a subject(A&P) they barely even hear me. I am going to stop telling them. One day they will notice I am gone. It won't be until I finish my education(or at least the undergrad part)but it will happen. I deserve better. Oh yes I do. I will make my mark and whether they figure that out or not I am going on. To battle on several battlefields. Send prayers please.
